I have been wearing Wonderbras (or their cheap equivalents, depending on the financial eras I've passed through) since I was about 18. Now, I feel the need to excuse myself in a way. Let me explain the deal. I'm pretty thin, which means two words: no boobs. As in, two little pancakes on a platter. That's me. All throughout high school, I had serious, serious problems with this. I had enough esteem issues, but on top of that, I continued to have the body of a thirteen-year-old boy right on through college. Eventually I decided I was happy with my body - I don't have back problems like many of my friends, and my boobs won't be hanging down to my knees when I'm fifty. No, my problem isn't really my breasts - it's my clothes.
I'm the queen of t-shirts and tank tops. I have more t-shirts than I can count, of all shapes and sizes. Tank tops riddle my drawers and closet. I love sundresses more than life itself on a hot summer day. The problem is, most clothing manufacturers (the same ones that assume larger-sized women are tall) assume that all women have at least a B-sized, but preferably C-sized cup, to fill out these clothes. Sweaters, no problem. Flannel shirts, likewise. Anything else, I'm in big trouble. So, what do I do? I wear a wonderbra. And I'm really happy that my tank tops don't sag, that I've got (fer chissakes) a LITTLE form on the top.
But going shopping for wonderbras is an experience, lemme tell ya. It's not like regular bra shopping, I don't think, because they put all the wonderbra brands in the same little area. And when you've got my body, it's like you're wearing this huge fucking neon sign that says, "I've Got Small Breasts! Look! And I'm Even Wearing A Wonderbra Now! Can You Believe Breasts This Small Exist?!?" I don't know why. So, you end up in the push-up bra section, and these sonsabitches are expensive. Because if you don't go the extra mile and pay for a good brand, the cheap ones either have no push in the push-up, or they just fall apart. Now, assuming that you've made it this far, then you go to your brand and try to find your size. Hmmmm…
Let's think about this. Who needs/desires a wonderbra the most in our society? Tiny- breasted women like myself, right? Pretty obvious fact? OK, so you'd think there'd be a plethora of A cup sizes, right? Oh no, no, no, it's not that easy. I actually had to visit several stores before I found my brand and size. No, there's plenty of 36C's, 34D's, etc etc etc. And you know what I think? I think those women (no offense, ladies) shouldn't be ALLOWED to buy those bras. You just don't need it, honey! And you're making the rest of us look bad! It's like, you people shouldn't even be allowed in that section of the store. There should be a little breast-measuring cup outside the section. And the sign will say something like, "Your breasts must be smaller than this cup in order to enter the fucking push up section, bitch." Right.
So, assume now with me that you've found your brand, your color, your style (mmmm, seamless t-shirt bras! woohoo!), and your size. Then you're looking at it, and the tag will say something completely ridiculous like "Lift and Separate Technology." My mom (who's body I've inherited, right now to the fingernails) once said, "God, if you separate them any more than they already are, they'll be under my damned armpits!" Just once I would like to see myself with cleavage. That's right-even in a wonderbra, I am the cleavage-less wonder. Oh well.
One interesting thing was that I walked by a display of those new Liquid bras - the ones with the gel inside them for a "natural" feel. And it got me thinking. It got me thinking so hard that I actually decided to try one on. Before I left the display area though, another woman came by to pick one up as well. "These are so weird," I said.
"Oh, I know, but I think they're so cool. They feel so real," she replied.
I was curious now. "Have you ever tried one?"
"I've got one on right now," she giggled. "It's the best. It doesn't get cold, like they say, and they can't break or anything. And if someone touches it, it feels real. You can tell with a padded bra if it's padded, you know?"
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